In the last 3.5 months, my husband has lost 45 pounds, and I’ve lost 25. I often compliment him on how much smaller he’s gotten, but he has never, not even a single time, said anything to me. I guess it’s tricky ground for a guy, because noticing that I’m getting smaller would be acknowledging that he noticed that I was bigger. But still, it would be nice to hear some kind of positive reinforcement from him.
It finally came this morning in one spectacularly mixed bag of a comment. As my husband left for work, he gave me a hug, dropping his hand down to give my bottom a squeeze. He said, “Sexy butt, sexy butt,” as he did so, something he always says when he grabs me there, but then he added (as he continued to palpate it), “Your butt’s getting skinnier.” I self-consciously tsked, and he said, “It is! Pretty soon there won’t be anything left!”
Most women would be elated to know that their bottom is palpably smaller; however, that’s the area of least concern for me. Actually, far more than worrying about a big rump, I worry about what my husband prophesized, about there not being “anything left.” When you get old, your bottom atrophies, you know. I worked in a nursing home for a while, so I wiped a lot of elderly backsides, and I can say that in every single case, there wasn’t “anything left.” It just becomes the posterior of the pelvic bones, draped with loose, sagging skin.
About 20 years ago, when I also happened to have just lost some weight, my sister came over to my house one day, and after I bent over to get something off the floor, she slowly said with horror in her voice, “I just saw something very disturbing.” I started spinning around like a dog chasing its tail as I tried to see if I had a spider on me or something. She continued, “You have . . . no . . . butt.”
Well, that’s just great! The consensus is in! If I’m buttless now, what’s it gonna be like when I’m 60? Or thinner? Or both??
All I’ve gotta say is that, from now on, no one better expect me to sit in a hard chair, and I better get a whole lot of sympathy when I have to make long car rides.